Jun. 9th, 2013

yesungs: (pic#6066702)
i'm scared of the future
i'm scared of growing up
i don't want to grow up
see myself in the mirror as an adult
having had to let go of all the things that made me happy in order to get here
i don't want to have a career in which i am unhappy
i'm scared of falling in love and being in a relationship
what if they don't love me back
what if nobody ever loves me back whom i love
what if because of the family situation that i've grown up with i end up being boring and stale or accidentally mean
and they end up leaving me
i'm scared of having children
what if i'm still insecure in the future
boring and shy and insecure and reserved and reclusive
unable to do chores because she never wanted to learn because it just wasn't her thing
and they're embarrassed to say i'm their mom
or they just hate me or dislike me or don't care about me
think i'm too boring or not a real mom
i'm scared of being smart and becoming a failure
i'm scared of letting things go to waste
knowing i could have done this
or done that
but i didn't
i'm scared of school
it only gets harder and i'm now a junior, the hardest year
i'm scared of the assignments and pressure
i'm scared of failing academically and having nowhere to go
as i can't go into arts because i'm too insecure and shy and boring
i'm so terrified of mom and dad dying as well as I
i'm nothing without them, literally nothing
i can't do anything without them
what about when i die?
where will i go? my subconscious? 
will i be aware of where my subconscious goes? that it's mine? what is it called?
will i just fade into nothingness? will i be aware? will i know i'm dead? will we resurrect? how long will i have to wait?
i'm so terrified of everything
i don't wanna die, that 's the only thing i don't want
but i feel like it sometimes because it only gets harder
where will i go? where will i end up? who will i become? who will i make my kids become?
i'm shaking and trying not to cry, i have a very big lump in my throat
i'm just so scared of everything, i don't know what to do
i can't say it enough
i'm so, so scared. of everything. so much. too much. more than anything. everything.

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yesungs

June 2013

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